Puzzled...

I need some help over here.

I'm doing a crossword puzzle.

I need a six-letter word for, "Teacher who has sex with one of her students."

It begins with an S. Second letter is an H. There are two R's in it.

I just can't figure it out...

Goodness!

Acknowledgments

This e-mail encapsulates a majority of the topics discussed at Ronnie's at our first meeting, 09Feb07.
edit: Was looking through my spreadsheet with the receipts, and that afternoon on the town cost me $415.93
Quite a wonderful day, all in all.
Second edit: I want to be clear here-- I came as a friend, and not as a suitor. I had recently found out that an online friend I had made was in an abusive relationship that she was considering leaving. Because of my work at the church, it didn't seem odd to me to talk her through her difficulties and offer her whatever assistance I might. One thing I wanted to avoid doing was making decisions for her.

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There's one thing I find a bit disturbing looking over your letter here, and it has to do with what I would call "identity stamps." These are roles that we identify as being ourselves. The thing I find disturbing is that you consistently fail to assert an identity outside of those roles. Further, the manner you do this in would indicate that there were plenty of people that were jerks to you, that failed to consider your needs, and as a result, you learned to be a real hard-arse on yourself.

If we could look at this for a moment.

I think you're identifying too closely with being a mom. And this is probably one of those traditional roles you fill just as a matter of expectation. But no one would reasonably expect you to forego your personhood to that end.

If I could draw the distinction here-- let's say that there's a difference in who you are and those things that you do. You're a mom, sure; but a mom isn't who you are. You are an impeccable lady that is a mother. Doesn't sound like a big difference? Ok then...

Time and again, I hear you tell me of all these things that amount to your concern for your children, and usually those concerns are expressed in a way that would diminish you. You're using your position as a mother to diminish yourself as a person, probably something that others around you were engaged in, and so you went along with it, and now it's something close to automatic. And likely, as the person grew more and more unhappy, it became more and more important to be a mother.

You find solace in this narrative of self-sacrifice which attains nobility through the role of "being a mom." It tells me that you were hurt badly, and it might not have been big hurts, but they were consistent enough to teach you to hurt yourself and accept this as the proper order of things. And that concerns me, because I care about you. You really are a special lady, and I don't want you to be hurt.

If self-sacrifice were the answer, then all you would have to do is set yourself on fire, and then your kids would really have it great. I don't think being ablaze is going to benefit you very much (it's bad for your hair), and I don't believe your children would benefit from it very much either. So let's say that there's a better strategy to employ than self-sacrifice.

And while we're at it, let's also say that your children benefit from a mother who is happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Anyone that works with tools knows that you have to take care of your tools. You don't hold it against the tool that it requires some degree of care. That tool is your livelihood, and to take proper care of it is guarding your own livelihood, so that tool deserves a bit of respect. And I don't think you're showing as much consideration for yourself as I would show toward a pair of channel-locks. And that concerns me. I suppose I do care about whether or not you are happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Those are conditions that would apply to that impeccable lady I was telling you about, not the mom or the teacher. "Mom" and "teacher" are roles that that impeccable lady fills, and those things stand to benefit as she benefits.

What I'm telling you here is a very simple truth, that what you do stands to benefit from who you are. Aristotle explained this well in the Metaphysics. It might be easy to accept on an intellectual level, but it really needs to be assimilated in order to have a proper effect.

It's not a bad thing for you to consider the needs of your children. They need that. But they don't need for you to give up yourself in the process. So take care of that special lady. I think the world of her, and I have good reason to.

Let's say that habituated responses always become habituated for a reason. And let's recognize that the reason isn't always such a good one, and that even with good reason, the habitual nature of the response sometimes outlasts the validity of the reasoning behind it.

We can go further, and say that it is the purpose of habituated responses to function outside of reason, that habit takes the place of reason.

But reason still has a place.

And to that end...

There's some advice that someone gave me when I was in a troubled relationship, and it turned out to be good advice. Not that I followed the advice very well, mind you; but in retrospect, it was good advice. And so, I share it with you.

Set limits.
Abide by those limits.
Have a plan.

It's not wrong to be hopeful, but being expectant could lead to disappointment. I don't want to see you hurt if things don't work out as you would have them.

For that matter, I see the way before as being difficult, regardless of what you do. You stay, difficult; you leave, difficult. Avoidance has its limitations, and you'll have to look past the sunset to see the days ahead.

I think it's important for you to recognize that you're not going to change his behavior. That was a trap that I fell in to. A person has to change their own behavior. You could save yourself a lot of heartache by giving that one proper consideration.

You have to decide how much you can take, and not as a matter of self-sacrifice for your children, but for your own sake. Set a time limit, and do whatever you can. When that time comes by, evaluate things. Have a plan ready so you won't be in the position of not knowing what to do.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

And if you ever need someone to tell you how wonderful you are, I'm available. Frankly, I adore you, and that's no secret. After all, you are quite an adorable lady.

And really, I recognize that you have a difficult time ahead of you. And I hope to help you through that time, one way or the other. I'm here whenever you need me, for whatever you would want to talk about. What I'm trying to say is that I am grateful for the opportunity to be a good friend to you. You matter to me, and it makes me feel good to think I might be able to ease your discomfort a bit. You deserve to be happy. I wish that you could care for yourself the way that I care for you. Be kind to yourself.

Warm regards,
---Will
aka PT

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I feel like I should give out acknowledgments to Gary Zukav & Stephen R Covey after that.

Boonville

As the dust settles see our dreams,
All coming true
It depends on you,
If our times, they are troubled times,
Show us the way,
Tell us what to do.
* Be our guide, our light and our way of life
And let the world see the way we lead our way.
Hopes, dreams, hopes dreaming that all our sorrows gone.

* In your hands holding everyone`s
Future and fate
It is all in you,
Make us strong, build our unity,
All men as one
It is all in you.

...Dreaming that all our sorrows gone forever.

---
Gentle Giant
Aspirations

... where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sorrow, joy.

from Julian Blue at indigo jane:

It's definitely uncanny how much you seem to know about me. Like the part about being taught to question myself, the use of shame and guilt and shaming. I mean, how would you know that?

Also, that part about deserving fulfillment hit close to home. I have told myself for a long time that I made my choices and ended up where I am as a consequence. But my kids deserve better. They deserve better, so I can live with whatever and make things work out for them. Sometimes that seems impossible, though. He's going to see a specialist in February. He says he's going to ask about getting some help. I think by then I can talk him into being evaluated to see if there isn't something going on beyond the thyroid condition. My own mother chose a man over her children, and I would never want to place my own fulfillment above the needs of my boys. I know how devastating that can be to a child.

Anyway, you're full of insight, that's for sure. I wish I had met you even 10 years ago. Were you as wise then?

I'm going to take the boys down to Hell for the weekend and get away for a few days. I wanted to write about your stories, which sound very interesting (although that gnome is a bit unsanitary with the bread and all). I liked the one about the lady in the pool. I wanted to tell you a bit more about mine. I may wait until early next week when I return. But then, I won't leave until Friday, so I may get back to it.

Saw your lyrics on Out of the Blue. Interesting.

Take care.

Shera

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Dear Shera---

Hello. I received your e-mail. I read through it a couple of times. This sounds like something really important, and I wanted to be able to give you the best advice I had to give.

First, I want to tell you that I think that you did the right thing, by reaching out to a friend. Thank you for trusting me. It says a bit of how you think of me. I am honored.

And I want you to know that I care about you. I would do for you whatever I can.

Well then, you ask my opinion, so here goes:

First, I think you're emotionally abused yourself. We can call it "being stepped on." And your still getting stepped on in your daily life.

Sure, there are good days. There will always be a few good days left. You've got to weigh the benefits to see if they're worth it.

And as far as that goes, I think you have already made that decision. I think you've already made the decision, and now you feel like to have to have permission of some sort for having made your decision. Somewhere along the line, you were taught to question yourself, to be unsure of yourself; and it is quite likely this was done through guilt ploys & shaming behaviors.

To the heart of the matter. You ask:
Is it better to keep them here or try to live apart and hope that somehow helps?
Are the boys better off in a two-parent home?

As for the first question, the answer is that it is my belief that you have already made your decision in this regard, and I believe you made the right decision.

As for the second question, the answer is a "yes, if..." At its base, this is another guilt/shame message whose function is to divide your reason with an emotional ploy. We'll get back to that.

And with that said, let's go back and say that those questions are the ones that you're allowing yourself to ask rather than the questions you really need to be asking.

I would say that the important thing here is how fulfilling is your relationship. At this point, it's really more of an issue of how damaging is it, and of how much damage you can absorb. Not good.

You are a really special lady, Shera, and you deserve to be happy. No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. That is something that is never to your benefit.

The boys relationship with their father is a matter somewhat removed. And though it is well that you should consider it carefully, you have a right to your own fulfilment. And right now, your fighting off a lot of negative psychic energy that leaves you spent. You need to move on.

For that matter, it's more his decision than yours as to how much of an active role he chooses to take in the lives of his children. All that you can do is to accommodate his availability. You can't sacrifice yourself to his availability and claim that it's the best for your children. What's affecting you is affecting them as well, although they probably have different methods of demonstrating that.

With that said, I do think it would be to your benefit to leave while you're still able to maintain a friendly relationship with the man. If you wait too long, that will be problematic.

Now, I know you to be a very intelligent person, very level-headed. I think that you've been hurt, probably a lot worse than you're letting on, and I want you to know that I certainly do not think any less of you for writing this to me. I think you did the sensible thing. Sometimes, I find it beneficial to consult with an expert, or to seek a second opinion. We need to be able to recognize our limitations. We are no less for these limitations.

I think the world of you, and that's because of who you are, not because of what you do.

Other things I could go into here, but I'm not sure if it's really necessary at this point. I would say it's likely that we would talk of such things again at some point. I'm here whenever you need me.

It might be a bit far to say that your nerves are frazzled, but I think it's fair to say that you live under a lot of strain. Things probably seem a bit overwhelming to you at times. At those times, it's important to remember that "overwhelming" is only a perception, and that it's base is a feeling of powerlessness, and try to identify those specific messages that are making you feel powerless. (But at this point, let's say that you sometimes experience feelings of isolation that make you feel powerless-- the isolation is an illusion, and the powerlessness is an illusion. Classic mind-control techniques, actually.)

I don't see you being alone long-term, unless by your own choice. You are a dreamboat, everything that a man could desire. I have no doubt that you could easily seduce any man that you would desire. Perhaps you have chosen poorly in the past, but you will learn to forgive yourself of what's past. And with that said, I think you could benefit from being alone for awhile. Time has a way of yielding perspective.

I hope I have been of some help to you. It sounds like you're really in a bad way, and I really care about you. Anytime you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

And, of course, if you need me to go into a bit more detail, I will.

Warm regards,
---Will
aka PT

re: My Love

from Shera at nvisiblewmn:

No, don't say it again! You said that you were thinking that I was regretting splitting with Pink, and you felt bad because you thought you were at fault, etc. It came back to me later, and I wanted to be sure it was clear that's not the case. God, just listening to him shrieking on the phone yesterday reminded me how glad I am to be out of that. I can't remember when I stopped feeling like I loved him, but it was long before you came along. When he was in his better moods, I felt a sort of friendship for him. But I had given up on him as a romantic partner. Or maybe it's more accurate to say I had lost interest in ever trying to build that kind of relationship again.

Like I've said before, I thought I could live without that. I've thought before, and probably said it, that's why when you came along, I really was vulnerable and off my guard. I just didn't know it. But then, I'm convinced not just anyone was going to cause me to totally disrupt my kids' lives this way. I probably would have stuck it out until I became certified if you hadn't come along. I was really at the end of my rope, though. I still remember some of the things you said to me back then, one being to consider how much more damage I could sustain, or something to that effect.

I remember telling you I wasn't interested in "just any man." That's still true. I thought I would be alone, as you may remember. I thought I would just be a teacher and a mom. To be honest, I didn't think I even cared about sex any more. It seemed frustrating and distasteful, really. You changed all of those perceptions.

I guess I was trying to say that although I get really scared sometimes, I still am happy with the choices I've made. Getting out of that marriage was the right thing. Now that we have each other, I would never choose that relationship over you, etc. I hope to be with you. I want that marquise diamond ring, although I'm willing to compromise. How about a marquise solitaire? You get that traditional solitaire you wanted me to have, and I get what I want. Doesn't that sound perfect? Something LIKE this: http://www.seaofdiamonds.com/item.asp?prodnav=1&flush=1&invky=8162652&zmam=9874632&zmas=1&zmac=22&zmap=114-1173

Anyway, what was your question?

GOODNESS!

Developments

from Julian Blue at indigo jane:

Will, I was thinking about your ex who was bipolar because I’ve considered the possibility many times in recent years that Mr. Pink is, too. I know there are degrees of severity of it. A friend’s mother is bipolar. And I would say if he does have it, it’s not severe. But his mother had it and had to be hospitalized when he was a child. His parents divorced, and he was never around her, except for a couple of visits that turned out too badly to lead to more. However, his father, whom he worships, was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. He has great empathy, but it’s limited to himself. I guess he went through a lot of hell with Pink’s mom and it stunted his development…? I don’t know. For all I know, his coldness exacerbated her condition. All I know for sure, is Mr. Pink was pretty much fucked from the beginning. He’s got many of the symptoms of it, especially the manic behavior. He has never used drugs, though. Well, sometimes he has symptoms of the depressive phase, too. Of course, he steadfastly refuses to even consider the possibility he has it. On top of that, he has Graves’ Disease, a thyroid condition, that complicates things.

It leaves me in a bad spot, as you can imagine. My biggest concern is the Jedi, as you’ve probably guessed. On the one hand, they love him very much. Overall, they seem like happy, well-adjusted kids, although my younger son can be a bit volatile emotionally. The oldest is such a steady character, so smart and sure of himself. So, even though Mr. Pink seems to the three of us almost always angry and verbally aggressive (not physically, though), they wouldn’t want to live apart from him. However, last week, A. (Obi-wan, oldest) realized my own parents were divorced. He said that he hoped I wouldn’t get a divorce. After a few minutes, he said maybe his dad wouldn’t yell at him so much if he only saw him on weekends and once a week like other dads do. I assured him that it wasn’t his fault, or my fault or D.’s, that his dad is irritable. I talked to him again about his dad’s illness (thyroid). But I also told him that his dad still shouldn’t vent on him and D. BUT, how much of that can an 8 y.o. cram into his little head? Is it better to keep them here or try to live apart and hope that somehow helps? I know this: Mr. Pink will never admit that anything is wrong with him. He will always insist it’s all my fault or the boys’ fault. He wouldn’t have to yell if I could make them behave better, if they would listen, if they would learn…. He wouldn’t be so angry if everyone didn’t MAKE him so angry. It’s a state of mind, though. It’s a habit of behavior to some extent. The thing is, it doesn’t inspire good behavior in me, so that I’m always fighting off irritability and anger. I get worn down and frustrated. I feel like I have to keep everyone in line. I have to keep the Jedi quiet and in line. I have to run interference between Pink and the Jedi. I have to fun interference between Pink and my mother because he hurts her feelings all the time….

You can’t tell these sorts of things to the people around you. Once you’ve said it, and it’s out there, you can’t take it back. It’s like the pink elephant in the room or whatever (pink = funny). If I told L., she would bring it up every time I talked to her. My mother would worry herself sick. I’m still wavering on whether or not I will even email this. I never would if it weren’t for what you told me about your own past experience. I guess I thought you might actually understand. Also, you just have a lot of insight into the human psyche.

This is my second marriage. I feel like this is it for me. You said something about your recent breakup, about how many times you could start over again and go through it all again (to paraphrase very loosely; I may not have worded it well, but I understood what you meant). Anyway, when it comes to relationships, I must have poor judgment (my first husband wasn’t a bad guy, either; he just wasn’t the guy for me. I grew up and he never did. He was sitting in the garage smoking pot with his buddies when I left, I’m sure, although I can’t really remember. I heard he grew up quickly after I left, but it was too late for me). I wouldn’t want to risk it again, especially with the Jedi in tow. I wonder if I would be a better mom living with less daily stress. If I could get certified, we wouldn’t necessarily be poor, as many single moms are. Are the boys better off in a two-parent home? I don’t know. T. has an inkling that there were problems in the past, and he said that a hellish existence isn’t good for kids, either. I know that’s true. But it’s not hellish every single day. There are good days, when you think, well, this can work. Then there are hellish days. Anyway, I don’t talk to T. about it either because he has enough on his plate.

Now I’ve run out of steam. I’ll respond to the rest of your email this week. Anakin is standing here telling that in a house bursting with toys, there’s nothing to do. His brother is playing X-Box. He’s bored. Sorry to burden you with this. I just thought of all the people in the world, you might understand. It feels strange to tell anybody. I guess I’m sort of secretive about a lot of things.

Take care.

Invisible No More

So, let's do away with the invisibility, shall we?