This e-mail encapsulates a majority of the topics discussed at Ronnie's at our first meeting, 09Feb07.
edit: Was looking through my spreadsheet with the receipts, and that afternoon on the town cost me $415.93
Quite a wonderful day, all in all.
Second edit: I want to be clear here-- I came as a friend, and not as a suitor. I had recently found out that an online friend I had made was in an abusive relationship that she was considering leaving. Because of my work at the church, it didn't seem odd to me to talk her through her difficulties and offer her whatever assistance I might. One thing I wanted to avoid doing was making decisions for her.
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There's one thing I find a bit disturbing looking over your letter here, and it has to do with what I would call "identity stamps." These are roles that we identify as being ourselves. The thing I find disturbing is that you consistently fail to assert an identity outside of those roles. Further, the manner you do this in would indicate that there were plenty of people that were jerks to you, that failed to consider your needs, and as a result, you learned to be a real hard-arse on yourself.
If we could look at this for a moment.
I think you're identifying too closely with being a mom. And this is probably one of those traditional roles you fill just as a matter of expectation. But no one would reasonably expect you to forego your personhood to that end.
If I could draw the distinction here-- let's say that there's a difference in who you are and those things that you do. You're a mom, sure; but a mom isn't who you are. You are an impeccable lady that is a mother. Doesn't sound like a big difference? Ok then...
Time and again, I hear you tell me of all these things that amount to your concern for your children, and usually those concerns are expressed in a way that would diminish you. You're using your position as a mother to diminish yourself as a person, probably something that others around you were engaged in, and so you went along with it, and now it's something close to automatic. And likely, as the person grew more and more unhappy, it became more and more important to be a mother.
You find solace in this narrative of self-sacrifice which attains nobility through the role of "being a mom." It tells me that you were hurt badly, and it might not have been big hurts, but they were consistent enough to teach you to hurt yourself and accept this as the proper order of things. And that concerns me, because I care about you. You really are a special lady, and I don't want you to be hurt.
If self-sacrifice were the answer, then all you would have to do is set yourself on fire, and then your kids would really have it great. I don't think being ablaze is going to benefit you very much (it's bad for your hair), and I don't believe your children would benefit from it very much either. So let's say that there's a better strategy to employ than self-sacrifice.
And while we're at it, let's also say that your children benefit from a mother who is happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Anyone that works with tools knows that you have to take care of your tools. You don't hold it against the tool that it requires some degree of care. That tool is your livelihood, and to take proper care of it is guarding your own livelihood, so that tool deserves a bit of respect. And I don't think you're showing as much consideration for yourself as I would show toward a pair of channel-locks. And that concerns me. I suppose I do care about whether or not you are happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Those are conditions that would apply to that impeccable lady I was telling you about, not the mom or the teacher. "Mom" and "teacher" are roles that that impeccable lady fills, and those things stand to benefit as she benefits.
What I'm telling you here is a very simple truth, that what you do stands to benefit from who you are. Aristotle explained this well in the Metaphysics. It might be easy to accept on an intellectual level, but it really needs to be assimilated in order to have a proper effect.
It's not a bad thing for you to consider the needs of your children. They need that. But they don't need for you to give up yourself in the process. So take care of that special lady. I think the world of her, and I have good reason to.
Let's say that habituated responses always become habituated for a reason. And let's recognize that the reason isn't always such a good one, and that even with good reason, the habitual nature of the response sometimes outlasts the validity of the reasoning behind it.
We can go further, and say that it is the purpose of habituated responses to function outside of reason, that habit takes the place of reason.
But reason still has a place.
And to that end...
There's some advice that someone gave me when I was in a troubled relationship, and it turned out to be good advice. Not that I followed the advice very well, mind you; but in retrospect, it was good advice. And so, I share it with you.
Set limits.
Abide by those limits.
Have a plan.
It's not wrong to be hopeful, but being expectant could lead to disappointment. I don't want to see you hurt if things don't work out as you would have them.
For that matter, I see the way before as being difficult, regardless of what you do. You stay, difficult; you leave, difficult. Avoidance has its limitations, and you'll have to look past the sunset to see the days ahead.
I think it's important for you to recognize that you're not going to change his behavior. That was a trap that I fell in to. A person has to change their own behavior. You could save yourself a lot of heartache by giving that one proper consideration.
You have to decide how much you can take, and not as a matter of self-sacrifice for your children, but for your own sake. Set a time limit, and do whatever you can. When that time comes by, evaluate things. Have a plan ready so you won't be in the position of not knowing what to do.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
And if you ever need someone to tell you how wonderful you are, I'm available. Frankly, I adore you, and that's no secret. After all, you are quite an adorable lady.
And really, I recognize that you have a difficult time ahead of you. And I hope to help you through that time, one way or the other. I'm here whenever you need me, for whatever you would want to talk about. What I'm trying to say is that I am grateful for the opportunity to be a good friend to you. You matter to me, and it makes me feel good to think I might be able to ease your discomfort a bit. You deserve to be happy. I wish that you could care for yourself the way that I care for you. Be kind to yourself.
Warm regards,
---Will
aka PT
If we could look at this for a moment.
I think you're identifying too closely with being a mom. And this is probably one of those traditional roles you fill just as a matter of expectation. But no one would reasonably expect you to forego your personhood to that end.
If I could draw the distinction here-- let's say that there's a difference in who you are and those things that you do. You're a mom, sure; but a mom isn't who you are. You are an impeccable lady that is a mother. Doesn't sound like a big difference? Ok then...
Time and again, I hear you tell me of all these things that amount to your concern for your children, and usually those concerns are expressed in a way that would diminish you. You're using your position as a mother to diminish yourself as a person, probably something that others around you were engaged in, and so you went along with it, and now it's something close to automatic. And likely, as the person grew more and more unhappy, it became more and more important to be a mother.
You find solace in this narrative of self-sacrifice which attains nobility through the role of "being a mom." It tells me that you were hurt badly, and it might not have been big hurts, but they were consistent enough to teach you to hurt yourself and accept this as the proper order of things. And that concerns me, because I care about you. You really are a special lady, and I don't want you to be hurt.
If self-sacrifice were the answer, then all you would have to do is set yourself on fire, and then your kids would really have it great. I don't think being ablaze is going to benefit you very much (it's bad for your hair), and I don't believe your children would benefit from it very much either. So let's say that there's a better strategy to employ than self-sacrifice.
And while we're at it, let's also say that your children benefit from a mother who is happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Anyone that works with tools knows that you have to take care of your tools. You don't hold it against the tool that it requires some degree of care. That tool is your livelihood, and to take proper care of it is guarding your own livelihood, so that tool deserves a bit of respect. And I don't think you're showing as much consideration for yourself as I would show toward a pair of channel-locks. And that concerns me. I suppose I do care about whether or not you are happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Those are conditions that would apply to that impeccable lady I was telling you about, not the mom or the teacher. "Mom" and "teacher" are roles that that impeccable lady fills, and those things stand to benefit as she benefits.
What I'm telling you here is a very simple truth, that what you do stands to benefit from who you are. Aristotle explained this well in the Metaphysics. It might be easy to accept on an intellectual level, but it really needs to be assimilated in order to have a proper effect.
It's not a bad thing for you to consider the needs of your children. They need that. But they don't need for you to give up yourself in the process. So take care of that special lady. I think the world of her, and I have good reason to.
Let's say that habituated responses always become habituated for a reason. And let's recognize that the reason isn't always such a good one, and that even with good reason, the habitual nature of the response sometimes outlasts the validity of the reasoning behind it.
We can go further, and say that it is the purpose of habituated responses to function outside of reason, that habit takes the place of reason.
But reason still has a place.
And to that end...
There's some advice that someone gave me when I was in a troubled relationship, and it turned out to be good advice. Not that I followed the advice very well, mind you; but in retrospect, it was good advice. And so, I share it with you.
Set limits.
Abide by those limits.
Have a plan.
It's not wrong to be hopeful, but being expectant could lead to disappointment. I don't want to see you hurt if things don't work out as you would have them.
For that matter, I see the way before as being difficult, regardless of what you do. You stay, difficult; you leave, difficult. Avoidance has its limitations, and you'll have to look past the sunset to see the days ahead.
I think it's important for you to recognize that you're not going to change his behavior. That was a trap that I fell in to. A person has to change their own behavior. You could save yourself a lot of heartache by giving that one proper consideration.
You have to decide how much you can take, and not as a matter of self-sacrifice for your children, but for your own sake. Set a time limit, and do whatever you can. When that time comes by, evaluate things. Have a plan ready so you won't be in the position of not knowing what to do.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
And if you ever need someone to tell you how wonderful you are, I'm available. Frankly, I adore you, and that's no secret. After all, you are quite an adorable lady.
And really, I recognize that you have a difficult time ahead of you. And I hope to help you through that time, one way or the other. I'm here whenever you need me, for whatever you would want to talk about. What I'm trying to say is that I am grateful for the opportunity to be a good friend to you. You matter to me, and it makes me feel good to think I might be able to ease your discomfort a bit. You deserve to be happy. I wish that you could care for yourself the way that I care for you. Be kind to yourself.
Warm regards,
---Will
aka PT
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I feel like I should give out acknowledgments to Gary Zukav & Stephen R Covey after that.
2 comments:
I can see Stephen R. Covey in that, but not so much the Gary Zukav.
Any particular Zukav you're referring to?
I asked the expert, and this is what I got:
Well, the whole "identity stamp" issue as you explained it here is sort of "Zukavian". Gary teaches that our authentic power comes from within; not from the roles we play. She was trying to identify herself by those roles (feeling power) instead of finding authentic power from within. You were directing her toward doing that. Very "Zukavian" of you, indeed. :)
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