Developments

from Julian Blue at indigo jane:

Will, I was thinking about your ex who was bipolar because I’ve considered the possibility many times in recent years that Mr. Pink is, too. I know there are degrees of severity of it. A friend’s mother is bipolar. And I would say if he does have it, it’s not severe. But his mother had it and had to be hospitalized when he was a child. His parents divorced, and he was never around her, except for a couple of visits that turned out too badly to lead to more. However, his father, whom he worships, was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. He has great empathy, but it’s limited to himself. I guess he went through a lot of hell with Pink’s mom and it stunted his development…? I don’t know. For all I know, his coldness exacerbated her condition. All I know for sure, is Mr. Pink was pretty much fucked from the beginning. He’s got many of the symptoms of it, especially the manic behavior. He has never used drugs, though. Well, sometimes he has symptoms of the depressive phase, too. Of course, he steadfastly refuses to even consider the possibility he has it. On top of that, he has Graves’ Disease, a thyroid condition, that complicates things.

It leaves me in a bad spot, as you can imagine. My biggest concern is the Jedi, as you’ve probably guessed. On the one hand, they love him very much. Overall, they seem like happy, well-adjusted kids, although my younger son can be a bit volatile emotionally. The oldest is such a steady character, so smart and sure of himself. So, even though Mr. Pink seems to the three of us almost always angry and verbally aggressive (not physically, though), they wouldn’t want to live apart from him. However, last week, A. (Obi-wan, oldest) realized my own parents were divorced. He said that he hoped I wouldn’t get a divorce. After a few minutes, he said maybe his dad wouldn’t yell at him so much if he only saw him on weekends and once a week like other dads do. I assured him that it wasn’t his fault, or my fault or D.’s, that his dad is irritable. I talked to him again about his dad’s illness (thyroid). But I also told him that his dad still shouldn’t vent on him and D. BUT, how much of that can an 8 y.o. cram into his little head? Is it better to keep them here or try to live apart and hope that somehow helps? I know this: Mr. Pink will never admit that anything is wrong with him. He will always insist it’s all my fault or the boys’ fault. He wouldn’t have to yell if I could make them behave better, if they would listen, if they would learn…. He wouldn’t be so angry if everyone didn’t MAKE him so angry. It’s a state of mind, though. It’s a habit of behavior to some extent. The thing is, it doesn’t inspire good behavior in me, so that I’m always fighting off irritability and anger. I get worn down and frustrated. I feel like I have to keep everyone in line. I have to keep the Jedi quiet and in line. I have to run interference between Pink and the Jedi. I have to fun interference between Pink and my mother because he hurts her feelings all the time….

You can’t tell these sorts of things to the people around you. Once you’ve said it, and it’s out there, you can’t take it back. It’s like the pink elephant in the room or whatever (pink = funny). If I told L., she would bring it up every time I talked to her. My mother would worry herself sick. I’m still wavering on whether or not I will even email this. I never would if it weren’t for what you told me about your own past experience. I guess I thought you might actually understand. Also, you just have a lot of insight into the human psyche.

This is my second marriage. I feel like this is it for me. You said something about your recent breakup, about how many times you could start over again and go through it all again (to paraphrase very loosely; I may not have worded it well, but I understood what you meant). Anyway, when it comes to relationships, I must have poor judgment (my first husband wasn’t a bad guy, either; he just wasn’t the guy for me. I grew up and he never did. He was sitting in the garage smoking pot with his buddies when I left, I’m sure, although I can’t really remember. I heard he grew up quickly after I left, but it was too late for me). I wouldn’t want to risk it again, especially with the Jedi in tow. I wonder if I would be a better mom living with less daily stress. If I could get certified, we wouldn’t necessarily be poor, as many single moms are. Are the boys better off in a two-parent home? I don’t know. T. has an inkling that there were problems in the past, and he said that a hellish existence isn’t good for kids, either. I know that’s true. But it’s not hellish every single day. There are good days, when you think, well, this can work. Then there are hellish days. Anyway, I don’t talk to T. about it either because he has enough on his plate.

Now I’ve run out of steam. I’ll respond to the rest of your email this week. Anakin is standing here telling that in a house bursting with toys, there’s nothing to do. His brother is playing X-Box. He’s bored. Sorry to burden you with this. I just thought of all the people in the world, you might understand. It feels strange to tell anybody. I guess I’m sort of secretive about a lot of things.

Take care.