... where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sorrow, joy.

from Julian Blue at indigo jane:

It's definitely uncanny how much you seem to know about me. Like the part about being taught to question myself, the use of shame and guilt and shaming. I mean, how would you know that?

Also, that part about deserving fulfillment hit close to home. I have told myself for a long time that I made my choices and ended up where I am as a consequence. But my kids deserve better. They deserve better, so I can live with whatever and make things work out for them. Sometimes that seems impossible, though. He's going to see a specialist in February. He says he's going to ask about getting some help. I think by then I can talk him into being evaluated to see if there isn't something going on beyond the thyroid condition. My own mother chose a man over her children, and I would never want to place my own fulfillment above the needs of my boys. I know how devastating that can be to a child.

Anyway, you're full of insight, that's for sure. I wish I had met you even 10 years ago. Were you as wise then?

I'm going to take the boys down to Hell for the weekend and get away for a few days. I wanted to write about your stories, which sound very interesting (although that gnome is a bit unsanitary with the bread and all). I liked the one about the lady in the pool. I wanted to tell you a bit more about mine. I may wait until early next week when I return. But then, I won't leave until Friday, so I may get back to it.

Saw your lyrics on Out of the Blue. Interesting.

Take care.

Shera

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Dear Shera---

Hello. I received your e-mail. I read through it a couple of times. This sounds like something really important, and I wanted to be able to give you the best advice I had to give.

First, I want to tell you that I think that you did the right thing, by reaching out to a friend. Thank you for trusting me. It says a bit of how you think of me. I am honored.

And I want you to know that I care about you. I would do for you whatever I can.

Well then, you ask my opinion, so here goes:

First, I think you're emotionally abused yourself. We can call it "being stepped on." And your still getting stepped on in your daily life.

Sure, there are good days. There will always be a few good days left. You've got to weigh the benefits to see if they're worth it.

And as far as that goes, I think you have already made that decision. I think you've already made the decision, and now you feel like to have to have permission of some sort for having made your decision. Somewhere along the line, you were taught to question yourself, to be unsure of yourself; and it is quite likely this was done through guilt ploys & shaming behaviors.

To the heart of the matter. You ask:
Is it better to keep them here or try to live apart and hope that somehow helps?
Are the boys better off in a two-parent home?

As for the first question, the answer is that it is my belief that you have already made your decision in this regard, and I believe you made the right decision.

As for the second question, the answer is a "yes, if..." At its base, this is another guilt/shame message whose function is to divide your reason with an emotional ploy. We'll get back to that.

And with that said, let's go back and say that those questions are the ones that you're allowing yourself to ask rather than the questions you really need to be asking.

I would say that the important thing here is how fulfilling is your relationship. At this point, it's really more of an issue of how damaging is it, and of how much damage you can absorb. Not good.

You are a really special lady, Shera, and you deserve to be happy. No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. That is something that is never to your benefit.

The boys relationship with their father is a matter somewhat removed. And though it is well that you should consider it carefully, you have a right to your own fulfilment. And right now, your fighting off a lot of negative psychic energy that leaves you spent. You need to move on.

For that matter, it's more his decision than yours as to how much of an active role he chooses to take in the lives of his children. All that you can do is to accommodate his availability. You can't sacrifice yourself to his availability and claim that it's the best for your children. What's affecting you is affecting them as well, although they probably have different methods of demonstrating that.

With that said, I do think it would be to your benefit to leave while you're still able to maintain a friendly relationship with the man. If you wait too long, that will be problematic.

Now, I know you to be a very intelligent person, very level-headed. I think that you've been hurt, probably a lot worse than you're letting on, and I want you to know that I certainly do not think any less of you for writing this to me. I think you did the sensible thing. Sometimes, I find it beneficial to consult with an expert, or to seek a second opinion. We need to be able to recognize our limitations. We are no less for these limitations.

I think the world of you, and that's because of who you are, not because of what you do.

Other things I could go into here, but I'm not sure if it's really necessary at this point. I would say it's likely that we would talk of such things again at some point. I'm here whenever you need me.

It might be a bit far to say that your nerves are frazzled, but I think it's fair to say that you live under a lot of strain. Things probably seem a bit overwhelming to you at times. At those times, it's important to remember that "overwhelming" is only a perception, and that it's base is a feeling of powerlessness, and try to identify those specific messages that are making you feel powerless. (But at this point, let's say that you sometimes experience feelings of isolation that make you feel powerless-- the isolation is an illusion, and the powerlessness is an illusion. Classic mind-control techniques, actually.)

I don't see you being alone long-term, unless by your own choice. You are a dreamboat, everything that a man could desire. I have no doubt that you could easily seduce any man that you would desire. Perhaps you have chosen poorly in the past, but you will learn to forgive yourself of what's past. And with that said, I think you could benefit from being alone for awhile. Time has a way of yielding perspective.

I hope I have been of some help to you. It sounds like you're really in a bad way, and I really care about you. Anytime you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

And, of course, if you need me to go into a bit more detail, I will.

Warm regards,
---Will
aka PT