re: A Reply

from Julian Blue at indigo jane:

I wanted to write something separate from the email about your latest post and not muddy that up with my own babbling.

Mellow? I had not thought you would be mellow. You seem to have so many ideas churning inside of you. But then, perhaps that’s how you are able to express yourself so well. You can focus and dig down deep…. My thinking is sort of like a cluster bomb. An idea goes off and a million pieces fly off of it, and I could really go anywhere with it. Some places I avoid going, as you’ve probably noticed. Sometimes the things I write about are a metaphor for the things I can’t say.

I can’t say what I really think of you. I don’t have the right to do that. I’m married, and I’ve committed myself to these two boys. (When I talk about walking the line, I’m talking about them, about wanting to do what’s right for them.) So, I am conflicted between something I would like to have for myself and what I want for my Jedi. This hasn’t happened to me before. I have always considered their needs and mine one and the same. Here, they seem to diverge. That throws me into a panic.

Your expressions of admiration and respect for me are heady things. And that it comes from you, someone of such depth and intelligence and insight and learning and just general…wonderfulness (I have a Master’s degree in English, remember? I can make up my own words. It’s in the contract)…, that’s just unbearable. (I can also make up my own sentence structure.)

See, I can never ever say anything serious without making a joke. In fact, the more serious the statement, the more likely I am to follow up with a joke.

Even though I’m limping along and I try to tell myself that maybe I can make this life work out for the sake of my Jedi, every new day reminds me that it’s futile. This is how life is around here: Late at night, he comes home from work. The Jedi and I are asleep. He goes down into the basement and lives his own life with his Xbox, music, computer, and who knows what else? He’s up until 4 or so in the morning. Three hours later, I’m up with the Jedi. I have to constantly shush them and try to keep them quiet so he can sleep or he’ll get up and start screaming at everybody. So, I find myself being short with my kids. This morning, I slapped Obi-wan on the head. Not hard, but it’s still not right. On days when I have to be in class, he has to get up with them, and he’s so tired and crabby, I know he rides their asses all morning and sends them off to school miserable. He is constantly on them, on me, screaming, picking, yelling…. He’s not happy, either. But when I try to talk to him about alternatives, he acts like I’m overreacting, he says the kids are horrible and need discipline (they’re boys, but most people think they’re good kids), I’m horrible, and he’s not going anywhere, this is his family, his house and all that. He’s getting worse. On weekends, he’s just on a rant all day. He spoils every outing, every meal, everything with his anger and temper and relentless bitching.

So, this can’t go on forever. I guess I want you to know how things so you’ll know I’m not a bad person or deceitful by nature. I just suddenly want more, and I know when the horse is dead, at some point you have to get the fuck off. I guess I’m thinking if I can maybe jump start that stupid horse, I can get a little more mileage out of it, just long enough to make life more secure for my Jedi.

Part of me wants to tell you how much your emails mean to me. You are the only person who seems to see me as I really am. Or cares to. And I just enjoy you as a person. But it is NOT fair to you for me to try to draw you into my life because you deserve better and could do better in life.

False Accusations: Unannounced and Uninvited Visits

These days, there is a certain prostitute with a tendency to be a drama queen going around posting weird stuff on the internet, like:

"Has stalked me in real life through phone calls, emails, unannounced and uninvited visits."

And supposedly, I am “an ex-boyfriend who won't let go.”

Let’s see what this really means.

First of all, any “relationship” was more of a con game run by a prostitute to bilk me out of several thousand dollars-- from the very beginning when she had invited me to the art museum for the day and left her e-mail open to show Mr. Pink that she was going to Kirkwood to meet a man at a hotel. I want to go into that a bit more, but it will have to wait for another time. This is going to be long enough as is.

I would like to remind the reader that all e-mails referred to are available to be copied directly from the server by a neutral third party, a registered process server in St. Louis county. Long header information will accompany each copy to ensure its authenticity.

I received this e-mail Wednesday, November 12, 2008:

So, it looks like it's over between us? What about your stuff in the basement?

She had a way of inventing a major issue where there was none before, and this one just ticked me off. I didn’t want to play that silly game this time around. So this is what I wrote back Friday morning, November 14, 2008:

So what about my stuff in the basement?
Are you saying that you're so hard up for space that you need the stuff out immediately?
Are you saying that you really lied to me about that stuff?
You've already shown yourself to be a really snotty person.
You have shown that you enjoy ridiculing people.
You have shown that you enjoy reducing people to two-dimensional caricatures for the sake of your ridicule.
And now, after all I have done for you, after all the money I have given you, after losing $8000 in wages to come to be with you after your father died, now you have to be as big an ass as possible.
Way to go.
I have made arrangements.
All of my stuff in your basement will be out on the 1st.
There's a $600 check waiting in the mail for you.
Forget it. Tear it up.
And I need to cancel the flowers I ordered for your birthday.
First of all, you don't deserve it; secondly, there are better things that I should be doing with my money.
Are you happy yet?

This is the response I got about an hour later. I wasn’t there to see it, because I had already left for work.

I never meant that you had to get the stuff out right away. I just wanted to know what the deal was. I don't care how long it stays. You haven't called me in over a week. I'm sorry you have such a low opinion of me. I'll tear the check up.

Although she says otherwise in the e-mail, the phone records show that we talked that Sunday for almost an hour.
Half an hour later, this one was sent:

The stuff is really the only excuse I have to contact you.

Then three hours later I got this one:

Estimate how much money you think I owe you. I can't pay it back now. I can hardly afford my bankruptcy lawyer. I hope to have a better job someday, though. I don't want you to go through life with any resentment toward me.

So, around quarter after 7 when I get back to my room, I see that stuff. Still, I want to eat and clean up before I call.
Around 7:30 that evening, she sent this one:

You haven't called me in over a week. Close to two weeks, actually. So, I wrote to you. Now that I look at the message again, I can see how it might have seemed to say something other than what I meant. I meant to say something like this: So, you plan to just disappear, just go away with not so much as a goodbye? What about your stuff in my basement? Is that going to stay there? Forever? You would rather just walk away from your shit that deal with me face to face? Why?

Why would I want to get rid of your stuff. I loved you. That is the last tie I have to you. I wanted you to be what I thought you were. I guess you felt the same. Why does this have to end in an ugly way? You're the love of my life. Do you have to make this even more painful? Why?

Yes, I suck as a human being. I don't mean to. I don't know why. Believe me, I hate myself worse than you could ever hate me. I only hang on because I have these kids to care for. If not for that, I'd put a bullet in my stupid, worthless head. I hate myself. HATE.

Happy? I will never be happy. Are you happy about that? I wish I were dead. Happy?

Yes, I'm an ass. Again, I wish I were dead. Happy?

Funny how you immediately assume the worst possible message based on what I wrote. Figures. You act like you're such a compassionate LISTENER. But you hear what you want, like everyone else.

Why does this have to get ugly?

We talk on the phone that evening for about half an hour. I call her at quarter til six the next morning. We don’t talk long then.

In case you're wondering, she got the flowers and she got to keep the check. I sent her that stuff for a reason-- because I wanted her to be happy-- and I couldn't stay mad at her for very long.

We talk on the phone a bit over the next couple of months, but the e-mails pretty much stopped at that point. There were a few text messages exchanged, but no record of them.

Finally, the 11th of January, she sent me a text to say don’t call any more. I sent her an e-mail to ask about my property that was stored in her shed.

I received this Monday, January 12, 2009:

I never, ever said you couldn't have your stuff from the shed. Let me know when you're ready to pick that up. I will forward your CD's and W2 to you. Let me know where.

I replied Tuesday, January 13, 2009:

Sounds good.
But how is this supposed to take place if I can't contact you to make arrangements.
You've already stated your intent.
What is the urgent necessity to cutting off all communication BEFORE a disposition of property is attained?
Be adult about it.

Her response, Tuesday, January 13, 2009 8:28 AM:

Contact me here.

There are two e-mails asking about my W-2s over the next two months. Then I started wondering about the money I had given her for the house, and my property in her shed.

* * * TO BE CONTINUED * * *

Let's Be Friends, pt. 1

I don't remember sucking off any of my friends when my dad died....

Two Snapshots: Student Loans

Being somewhat familiar with the documents in the bankruptcy case Bk 09-44199, I was surprised when I looked at the documents for the divorce case 2107FC-03787— shocked, actually. It was rather enlightening to see how much debt there really wasn't.

The two are simply snapshots in time— one taken at 03Aug07 and the other at 06May09—21 months apart. What passes between them is merely traced in outline.

The divorce documents listed $46,919 in student loan debt, while the bankruptcy documents listed $73,477.18— a difference of $26,558. What makes this odd is that the prostitute attended classes only two semesters during that 21 month span, and took one class in the summer to remain active until she received her certification. She then taught full-time at a high school in the area.

The documents list expenses for “School and Books” at $864, which would be a fair average. 12 months of expenses at that level would be $10,368. That would leave a difference of $16,190— over half again as much— between expenses incurred and the level of debt incurred.

36% of all student loan expenses occured within the last 21 months, although these were relatively few credit hours.

Some rather odd things about the household income and expenses, to be examined later.

Process Served

I now have copies of the divorce papers Case 2107FC-03787. There is some interesting stuff in here, but not what I expected.

More on that to come. Only the best.

For now, it has become necessary that I should offer verification of the authenticity of the material posted here.

Here is the address of a registered process server in St. Louis county that has agreed to act as a neutral third party to respond to requests for copies from my personal e-mail address:

Legal Support Services
711 Allen Ave
St. Louis, Mo
63104

Requests must be made in writing. All copies will have long header information to verify authenticity.

Copies are $0.30 per page. Postage not included in copy cost. Postage must be included to ensure proper delivery.

False Claims Cannot Stand

[This post edited from the original by request]

I just spoke to an officer at the 4th precinct about these false accusations of stalking.

Looking for an attorney in the St Louis area to take care of this now.

The thing is there have been several false allegations made against me.
There is a false claim that I enticed Sherry Salois away from her husband. But her mother told me on the phone that everyone that knew her knew that she had been planning on leaving him for a long time, that she started the teaching certification program for that very reason.
There is a false claim that I was abusive toward her children, or jealous of them. I have a 30-year old stepdaughter in Jacksonville that would find that laughable.
There is a false claim that I drove her into bankruptcy. The earliest talk I remember of bankruptcy was from her mother in April of '07-- almost a month before the divorce papers were filed. The bankruptcy had to do with debt accumulated during her marriage.
Other false claims are out there. I am dealing with people that have no regard for the truth.

On the other hand, whatever claims I have made are verifiable and true.

We'll see what the attorney says....

Later:
The police told me that this was a civil matter.
I spoke with an attorney that told me that this was definitely libel.
Looking forward to Chapter Two.

Do You Take this Toad... ?

[This post edited from the original by request]

Trustee: And what is the name of your fiance?
Sherry Salois: Timothy Straussner
---sworn testimony given at the
meeting of creditors, 09Jun09
Case Bk 09-44199
Thomas F. Eagleton US Courthouse, St. Louis, Mo

(Oddly enough, this woman was introducing me as her fiance to her family at Christmas in '07)


In other news, the new site, sherrysalois.com, is up and running.
UPDATE: Plans have changed for this site, and are evolving... somewhat...

Also, some attention will be given to the matter of Timothy Straussner/George *****.
He likes to talk about exposing villains, but what is the man with two names trying to hide?

2199FC-05561 – Protection Order
Date Filed: 06/30/1999
Ex Parte Order of Protection issued
Served on: 07/08/1999
Date of Disposition: 07/12/1999
Timothy Straussner
804 E Pacific
Webster Groves, Mo, 63119

2107FC-00479 – Protection Order
Date Filed: 01/18/2007
Ex Parte Order of Protection issued
Served on: 01/18/2007
Date of Disposition: 01/25/2007
Timothy Straussner
804 E Pacific
Webster Groves, Mo, 63119

This address, 804 E Pacific, is the one where George's green Ford Explorer, license plate MO 3BX 53Z is registered to under the name of Timothy Straussner.

Of course, there is a perfectly legitimate reason for the man having two identities. The man has something to hide.

My Name Is Prostitute

A prostitute as viewed in her native habitat.

In this photo, the hare-brained floozie plots some devious deed void of all sense of decency. Only evil is her imperative in conniving vile baseness.

That is to say, she is depicted here quite natural and at ease.

Process

I just got off the phone with a process server in St. Louis that has agreed to access and print from my private e-mail account for a fee.

Correspondence will take place within the next few days to discuss set-up and print fees.

Looking forward to making it a reality.

In Payment of..., pt 3

[This post edited from the original by request]

This is the first of the checks that I gave to the prostitute.



Timothy Straussner/George *****, having confiscated the Invisible Woman's archive blog to rename it "My Name Is Timothy/George," has provided me with a very nice copy of a card statement.

Although too dumb to see that the listed interest rate for "Cash Advances, A. Balance Transfers, Checks" is 0% (just above bottom-most red arrow), Timothy/George, displaying characteristic disdain for any degree of truthfulness instead chooses to indicate the rate "Cash Advances, B. ATM, Bank" at 24.24% as being the appropriate rate.

There are indeed other pertinent points that this statement brings up; and we shall certainly explore the meaning of those things-- in due time.

In Payment of..., pt 2

The greatest amount that I delivered over to the prostitute at one time was $1200.

This was on the 21st of February, 2008.

In Payment of..., pt 1

I have to wonder what kind of "stalker" it would be that would, say, perhaps, write out checks for a thousand dollars?



No gratitude, of course.

Well, a litle false gratitude there at the first, right after it was received.

But prostitutes tend to claim such things as their due.

It would seem as if that tendency were fairly strong in the aged floozie.

Apology

I had posted something rather inappropriate yesterday evening.

Someone that I like and respect told me that this was wrong, and that I should take it down.

I offer my most sincere of apologies.

I am terribly sorry that such a thing ever occured.

————————§——§————————

Now, there was a point where there came up in conversation the notion that the excerpts which I have posted online might be somewhat less than entirely authentic.

I am deeply offended by the very thought if it.

It is therefore my intent to establish a medium and a method by which an independent third party might provide fully complete copies of these documents, including the long header information. Efforts are being undertaken to coordinate this endeavor with a registered process server in St Louis county. It is quite likely that there will be a fee for such service.

Documents for Bk 09-44199 are available online for $3.20
Documents for 2107FC-03787 are available from the courthouse in Clayton.

Acknowledgments

This e-mail encapsulates a majority of the topics discussed at Ronnie's at our first meeting, 09Feb07.
edit: Was looking through my spreadsheet with the receipts, and that afternoon on the town cost me $415.93
Quite a wonderful day, all in all.
Second edit: I want to be clear here-- I came as a friend, and not as a suitor. I had recently found out that an online friend I had made was in an abusive relationship that she was considering leaving. Because of my work at the church, it didn't seem odd to me to talk her through her difficulties and offer her whatever assistance I might. One thing I wanted to avoid doing was making decisions for her.

————————§——§————————

There's one thing I find a bit disturbing looking over your letter here, and it has to do with what I would call "identity stamps." These are roles that we identify as being ourselves. The thing I find disturbing is that you consistently fail to assert an identity outside of those roles. Further, the manner you do this in would indicate that there were plenty of people that were jerks to you, that failed to consider your needs, and as a result, you learned to be a real hard-arse on yourself.

If we could look at this for a moment.

I think you're identifying too closely with being a mom. And this is probably one of those traditional roles you fill just as a matter of expectation. But no one would reasonably expect you to forego your personhood to that end.

If I could draw the distinction here-- let's say that there's a difference in who you are and those things that you do. You're a mom, sure; but a mom isn't who you are. You are an impeccable lady that is a mother. Doesn't sound like a big difference? Ok then...

Time and again, I hear you tell me of all these things that amount to your concern for your children, and usually those concerns are expressed in a way that would diminish you. You're using your position as a mother to diminish yourself as a person, probably something that others around you were engaged in, and so you went along with it, and now it's something close to automatic. And likely, as the person grew more and more unhappy, it became more and more important to be a mother.

You find solace in this narrative of self-sacrifice which attains nobility through the role of "being a mom." It tells me that you were hurt badly, and it might not have been big hurts, but they were consistent enough to teach you to hurt yourself and accept this as the proper order of things. And that concerns me, because I care about you. You really are a special lady, and I don't want you to be hurt.

If self-sacrifice were the answer, then all you would have to do is set yourself on fire, and then your kids would really have it great. I don't think being ablaze is going to benefit you very much (it's bad for your hair), and I don't believe your children would benefit from it very much either. So let's say that there's a better strategy to employ than self-sacrifice.

And while we're at it, let's also say that your children benefit from a mother who is happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Anyone that works with tools knows that you have to take care of your tools. You don't hold it against the tool that it requires some degree of care. That tool is your livelihood, and to take proper care of it is guarding your own livelihood, so that tool deserves a bit of respect. And I don't think you're showing as much consideration for yourself as I would show toward a pair of channel-locks. And that concerns me. I suppose I do care about whether or not you are happy, confident, fulfilled, at peace, and well-cared for. Those are conditions that would apply to that impeccable lady I was telling you about, not the mom or the teacher. "Mom" and "teacher" are roles that that impeccable lady fills, and those things stand to benefit as she benefits.

What I'm telling you here is a very simple truth, that what you do stands to benefit from who you are. Aristotle explained this well in the Metaphysics. It might be easy to accept on an intellectual level, but it really needs to be assimilated in order to have a proper effect.

It's not a bad thing for you to consider the needs of your children. They need that. But they don't need for you to give up yourself in the process. So take care of that special lady. I think the world of her, and I have good reason to.

Let's say that habituated responses always become habituated for a reason. And let's recognize that the reason isn't always such a good one, and that even with good reason, the habitual nature of the response sometimes outlasts the validity of the reasoning behind it.

We can go further, and say that it is the purpose of habituated responses to function outside of reason, that habit takes the place of reason.

But reason still has a place.

And to that end...

There's some advice that someone gave me when I was in a troubled relationship, and it turned out to be good advice. Not that I followed the advice very well, mind you; but in retrospect, it was good advice. And so, I share it with you.

Set limits.
Abide by those limits.
Have a plan.

It's not wrong to be hopeful, but being expectant could lead to disappointment. I don't want to see you hurt if things don't work out as you would have them.

For that matter, I see the way before as being difficult, regardless of what you do. You stay, difficult; you leave, difficult. Avoidance has its limitations, and you'll have to look past the sunset to see the days ahead.

I think it's important for you to recognize that you're not going to change his behavior. That was a trap that I fell in to. A person has to change their own behavior. You could save yourself a lot of heartache by giving that one proper consideration.

You have to decide how much you can take, and not as a matter of self-sacrifice for your children, but for your own sake. Set a time limit, and do whatever you can. When that time comes by, evaluate things. Have a plan ready so you won't be in the position of not knowing what to do.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

And if you ever need someone to tell you how wonderful you are, I'm available. Frankly, I adore you, and that's no secret. After all, you are quite an adorable lady.

And really, I recognize that you have a difficult time ahead of you. And I hope to help you through that time, one way or the other. I'm here whenever you need me, for whatever you would want to talk about. What I'm trying to say is that I am grateful for the opportunity to be a good friend to you. You matter to me, and it makes me feel good to think I might be able to ease your discomfort a bit. You deserve to be happy. I wish that you could care for yourself the way that I care for you. Be kind to yourself.

Warm regards,
---Will
aka PT

————————§——§————————

I feel like I should give out acknowledgments to Gary Zukav & Stephen R Covey after that.

Boonville

As the dust settles see our dreams,
All coming true
It depends on you,
If our times, they are troubled times,
Show us the way,
Tell us what to do.

Be our guide, our light and our way of life
and let the world see the way we lead our way.
Hopes, dreams, hopes dreaming that all our sorrows gone.

In your hands holding everyone`s
Future and fate
It is all in you,
Make us strong, build our unity,
All men as one
It is all in you.

...Dreaming that all our sorrows gone forever.

---Gentle Giant

Aspirations

... where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sorrow, joy.

from Julian Blue at indigo jane:

It's definitely uncanny how much you seem to know about me. Like the part about being taught to question myself, the use of shame and guilt and shaming. I mean, how would you know that?

Also, that part about deserving fulfillment hit close to home. I have told myself for a long time that I made my choices and ended up where I am as a consequence. But my kids deserve better. They deserve better, so I can live with whatever and make things work out for them. Sometimes that seems impossible, though. He's going to see a specialist in February. He says he's going to ask about getting some help. I think by then I can talk him into being evaluated to see if there isn't something going on beyond the thyroid condition. My own mother chose a man over her children, and I would never want to place my own fulfillment above the needs of my boys. I know how devastating that can be to a child.

Anyway, you're full of insight, that's for sure. I wish I had met you even 10 years ago. Were you as wise then?

I'm going to take the boys down to Hell for the weekend and get away for a few days. I wanted to write about your stories, which sound very interesting (although that gnome is a bit unsanitary with the bread and all). I liked the one about the lady in the pool. I wanted to tell you a bit more about mine. I may wait until early next week when I return. But then, I won't leave until Friday, so I may get back to it.

Saw your lyrics on Out of the Blue. Interesting.

Take care.

Shera

————————§——§————————

Dear Shera---

Hello. I received your e-mail. I read through it a couple of times. This sounds like something really important, and I wanted to be able to give you the best advice I had to give.

First, I want to tell you that I think that you did the right thing, by reaching out to a friend. Thank you for trusting me. It says a bit of how you think of me. I am honored.

And I want you to know that I care about you. I would do for you whatever I can.

Well then, you ask my opinion, so here goes:

First, I think you're emotionally abused yourself. We can call it "being stepped on." And your still getting stepped on in your daily life.

Sure, there are good days. There will always be a few good days left. You've got to weigh the benefits to see if they're worth it.

And as far as that goes, I think you have already made that decision. I think you've already made the decision, and now you feel like to have to have permission of some sort for having made your decision. Somewhere along the line, you were taught to question yourself, to be unsure of yourself; and it is quite likely this was done through guilt ploys & shaming behaviors.

To the heart of the matter. You ask:
Is it better to keep them here or try to live apart and hope that somehow helps?
Are the boys better off in a two-parent home?

As for the first question, the answer is that it is my belief that you have already made your decision in this regard, and I believe you made the right decision.

As for the second question, the answer is a "yes, if..." At its base, this is another guilt/shame message whose function is to divide your reason with an emotional ploy. We'll get back to that.

And with that said, let's go back and say that those questions are the ones that you're allowing yourself to ask rather than the questions you really need to be asking.

I would say that the important thing here is how fulfilling is your relationship. At this point, it's really more of an issue of how damaging is it, and of how much damage you can absorb. Not good.

You are a really special lady, Shera, and you deserve to be happy. No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. That is something that is never to your benefit.

The boys relationship with their father is a matter somewhat removed. And though it is well that you should consider it carefully, you have a right to your own fulfilment. And right now, your fighting off a lot of negative psychic energy that leaves you spent. You need to move on.

For that matter, it's more his decision than yours as to how much of an active role he chooses to take in the lives of his children. All that you can do is to accommodate his availability. You can't sacrifice yourself to his availability and claim that it's the best for your children. What's affecting you is affecting them as well, although they probably have different methods of demonstrating that.

With that said, I do think it would be to your benefit to leave while you're still able to maintain a friendly relationship with the man. If you wait too long, that will be problematic.

Now, I know you to be a very intelligent person, very level-headed. I think that you've been hurt, probably a lot worse than you're letting on, and I want you to know that I certainly do not think any less of you for writing this to me. I think you did the sensible thing. Sometimes, I find it beneficial to consult with an expert, or to seek a second opinion. We need to be able to recognize our limitations. We are no less for these limitations.

I think the world of you, and that's because of who you are, not because of what you do.

Other things I could go into here, but I'm not sure if it's really necessary at this point. I would say it's likely that we would talk of such things again at some point. I'm here whenever you need me.

It might be a bit far to say that your nerves are frazzled, but I think it's fair to say that you live under a lot of strain. Things probably seem a bit overwhelming to you at times. At those times, it's important to remember that "overwhelming" is only a perception, and that it's base is a feeling of powerlessness, and try to identify those specific messages that are making you feel powerless. (But at this point, let's say that you sometimes experience feelings of isolation that make you feel powerless-- the isolation is an illusion, and the powerlessness is an illusion. Classic mind-control techniques, actually.)

I don't see you being alone long-term, unless by your own choice. You are a dreamboat, everything that a man could desire. I have no doubt that you could easily seduce any man that you would desire. Perhaps you have chosen poorly in the past, but you will learn to forgive yourself of what's past. And with that said, I think you could benefit from being alone for awhile. Time has a way of yielding perspective.

I hope I have been of some help to you. It sounds like you're really in a bad way, and I really care about you. Anytime you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

And, of course, if you need me to go into a bit more detail, I will.

Warm regards,
---Will
aka PT

re: My Love

from Shera at nvisiblewmn:

No, don't say it again! You said that you were thinking that I was regretting splitting with Pink, and you felt bad because you thought you were at fault, etc. It came back to me later, and I wanted to be sure it was clear that's not the case. God, just listening to him shrieking on the phone yesterday reminded me how glad I am to be out of that. I can't remember when I stopped feeling like I loved him, but it was long before you came along. When he was in his better moods, I felt a sort of friendship for him. But I had given up on him as a romantic partner. Or maybe it's more accurate to say I had lost interest in ever trying to build that kind of relationship again.

Like I've said before, I thought I could live without that. I've thought before, and probably said it, that's why when you came along, I really was vulnerable and off my guard. I just didn't know it. But then, I'm convinced not just anyone was going to cause me to totally disrupt my kids' lives this way. I probably would have stuck it out until I became certified if you hadn't come along. I was really at the end of my rope, though. I still remember some of the things you said to me back then, one being to consider how much more damage I could sustain, or something to that effect.

I remember telling you I wasn't interested in "just any man." That's still true. I thought I would be alone, as you may remember. I thought I would just be a teacher and a mom. To be honest, I didn't think I even cared about sex any more. It seemed frustrating and distasteful, really. You changed all of those perceptions.

I guess I was trying to say that although I get really scared sometimes, I still am happy with the choices I've made. Getting out of that marriage was the right thing. Now that we have each other, I would never choose that relationship over you, etc. I hope to be with you. I want that marquise diamond ring, although I'm willing to compromise. How about a marquise solitaire? You get that traditional solitaire you wanted me to have, and I get what I want. Doesn't that sound perfect? Something LIKE this: http://www.seaofdiamonds.com/item.asp?prodnav=1&flush=1&invky=8162652&zmam=9874632&zmas=1&zmac=22&zmap=114-1173

Anyway, what was your question?

GOODNESS!

Developments

from Julian Blue at indigo jane:

Will, I was thinking about your ex who was bipolar because I’ve considered the possibility many times in recent years that Mr. Pink is, too. I know there are degrees of severity of it. A friend’s mother is bipolar. And I would say if he does have it, it’s not severe. But his mother had it and had to be hospitalized when he was a child. His parents divorced, and he was never around her, except for a couple of visits that turned out too badly to lead to more. However, his father, whom he worships, was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. He has great empathy, but it’s limited to himself. I guess he went through a lot of hell with Pink’s mom and it stunted his development…? I don’t know. For all I know, his coldness exacerbated her condition. All I know for sure, is Mr. Pink was pretty much fucked from the beginning. He’s got many of the symptoms of it, especially the manic behavior. He has never used drugs, though. Well, sometimes he has symptoms of the depressive phase, too. Of course, he steadfastly refuses to even consider the possibility he has it. On top of that, he has Graves’ Disease, a thyroid condition, that complicates things.

It leaves me in a bad spot, as you can imagine. My biggest concern is the Jedi, as you’ve probably guessed. On the one hand, they love him very much. Overall, they seem like happy, well-adjusted kids, although my younger son can be a bit volatile emotionally. The oldest is such a steady character, so smart and sure of himself. So, even though Mr. Pink seems to the three of us almost always angry and verbally aggressive (not physically, though), they wouldn’t want to live apart from him. However, last week, A. (Obi-wan, oldest) realized my own parents were divorced. He said that he hoped I wouldn’t get a divorce. After a few minutes, he said maybe his dad wouldn’t yell at him so much if he only saw him on weekends and once a week like other dads do. I assured him that it wasn’t his fault, or my fault or D.’s, that his dad is irritable. I talked to him again about his dad’s illness (thyroid). But I also told him that his dad still shouldn’t vent on him and D. BUT, how much of that can an 8 y.o. cram into his little head? Is it better to keep them here or try to live apart and hope that somehow helps? I know this: Mr. Pink will never admit that anything is wrong with him. He will always insist it’s all my fault or the boys’ fault. He wouldn’t have to yell if I could make them behave better, if they would listen, if they would learn…. He wouldn’t be so angry if everyone didn’t MAKE him so angry. It’s a state of mind, though. It’s a habit of behavior to some extent. The thing is, it doesn’t inspire good behavior in me, so that I’m always fighting off irritability and anger. I get worn down and frustrated. I feel like I have to keep everyone in line. I have to keep the Jedi quiet and in line. I have to run interference between Pink and the Jedi. I have to fun interference between Pink and my mother because he hurts her feelings all the time….

You can’t tell these sorts of things to the people around you. Once you’ve said it, and it’s out there, you can’t take it back. It’s like the pink elephant in the room or whatever (pink = funny). If I told L., she would bring it up every time I talked to her. My mother would worry herself sick. I’m still wavering on whether or not I will even email this. I never would if it weren’t for what you told me about your own past experience. I guess I thought you might actually understand. Also, you just have a lot of insight into the human psyche.

This is my second marriage. I feel like this is it for me. You said something about your recent breakup, about how many times you could start over again and go through it all again (to paraphrase very loosely; I may not have worded it well, but I understood what you meant). Anyway, when it comes to relationships, I must have poor judgment (my first husband wasn’t a bad guy, either; he just wasn’t the guy for me. I grew up and he never did. He was sitting in the garage smoking pot with his buddies when I left, I’m sure, although I can’t really remember. I heard he grew up quickly after I left, but it was too late for me). I wouldn’t want to risk it again, especially with the Jedi in tow. I wonder if I would be a better mom living with less daily stress. If I could get certified, we wouldn’t necessarily be poor, as many single moms are. Are the boys better off in a two-parent home? I don’t know. T. has an inkling that there were problems in the past, and he said that a hellish existence isn’t good for kids, either. I know that’s true. But it’s not hellish every single day. There are good days, when you think, well, this can work. Then there are hellish days. Anyway, I don’t talk to T. about it either because he has enough on his plate.

Now I’ve run out of steam. I’ll respond to the rest of your email this week. Anakin is standing here telling that in a house bursting with toys, there’s nothing to do. His brother is playing X-Box. He’s bored. Sorry to burden you with this. I just thought of all the people in the world, you might understand. It feels strange to tell anybody. I guess I’m sort of secretive about a lot of things.

Take care.

Invisible No More

So, let's do away with the invisibility, shall we?